I suppose now is a weird time to write. I only started taking medication in the summer and even then, there was a long time without them after I moved to Leeds. It's strange though, when you realise how many people you can be and yet there's only one body. For me, there's one body but several minds, I haven't counted them all but that's probably because I can't distinguish between them all yet. I know that they are not part of the same person though, they couldn't be, they are too different in temperament. I can't talk to them either, there is no "me" when decisions are made, only "you" and what "you" have to do. Like I am the third person in my own life. It's strange because, although it's all happening inside my head, I do not seem to be able to get a say in what goes on. Nor do I get addressed. They seem to take on similarities of characters I have been particularly drawn to. There is a bossy character: the leader who decides what is done in end; next there is the ethicist, or the worrier. This character worries about what is right and what should be done. Then, of course, there is a rebel, the one who thinks she doesn't care what goes on and that it really doesn't matter what people think. I have just realised that none of these "characters" seem to have genders but I know it is a mixture. I believe that perhaps the characters who resemble my exterior are most likely to be female, just like myself. Anyhow, on with seeing who else I can distinguish out of the numerous characters within...oh yes, there is the "saint". I call her the saint but she is also a punisher because while she looks out for those whom she loves and cares for, she punishes those who have caused hurt. She also punishes herself for things that she has failed in, failed to do. It is difficult to explain but I know it happens. I only know who these people are and what they do because they are within my head, my mind, my....being.
When I was on my medication, there was a kind of silence, it was uncomfortable and somewhat disturbing but also somewhat pleasant. The medication was wrong for my but there was still a "positive" impact in that there was silence and I presumably was making decisions for myself. On the other hand, there were negative impacts too. For example, I was completely disorientated, life was more than numb and impeccably boring. There was no spice, no drama, no feeling running through me and it was like the world was a cloud. A cloud that I was being forced to live in and under other people's rules. Trying to explain the latter to anybody was making me go blue in the face as nobody seems to understand that depression is not something easily defined. People get depression for different reasons, under different conditions and they deal with it in different ways. Personally, I blame past events and stress. I could go into detail but that would probably take months and months and post after post, so I will spare you of that and just tell you what happens in my brain.
For the moment, there is a lot of guilt, exhaustion and sadness, hyperactivity and all sorts. One could say "go to the doctor" to me repeatedly but I tried that and they got it wrong and didn't listen when I said that the medication was wrong. So who do I turn to now? Lecturers are for academic purposes only but they kind of need to know what's going on and why I cannot even carry out the simplest of tasks. My friends are great but I do not wish to burden them. So now what? My counsellor! Of course! She is brilliant, all my counsellors have been and not once have they made me feel inadequate or wrong. Every time I have a session, I come out feeling like something has been achieved, even if all that has happened is that I talk at my poor counsellor for an hour and they just listen. A lot of people reject the idea of going to a counsellor, heck, even I did! For years I refused point blank to get any help or to go to a counsellor but after much persuasion and nudging from close friends, I took a chance and I haven't looked back. Having a sympathetic ear and someone to just generally listen to you is a great thing and it's their job to be there for you so you do not feel like a burden to them. My counsellors have probably been one of the few good things to happen to me in my university experience and I have felt comfortable enough to tell them things that I cannot even tell my best friend. In my mind, going to a counsellor is a good start and it's a first step to take even before going to a doctor because they can be mean and condescending.
I haven't written music in so very long. I miss it and I miss the emotions that fuel my art. Yes, a lot of them were and are painful but it is my form of "letting off steam". A lot of people let off steam in other ways, like going for a run, getting into a particular sport or other activities but for me, nothing beats sitting down at a piano with some lyrics ready in my head and my favourite chords at my fingers. I've been criticised about my music in many ways: the music always sounds the same, the lyrics are about the same thing, the songs are too long for today's music, I'm too creative...Blah blah! Believe it or not, I was told I was being too creative while doing my MA in Music Composition! I write because I have something to say. If the words seem to be repetitive, then that is because I feel that nobody is listening to me and I will stand there and happily sing about the same thing until someone turns around and tries to address the subject with me...just like a child. Then again, I believe there is a younger version of us that never really goes away, we just forget about them. Some of my music has been written within the space of a day while other pieces have taken months to write and I have often gone over old songs and changed them or borrowed lyrics from them in order to write something "new". I don't think "new" really exists in music, especially if you are writing from the heart and soul. Which is what I do and that's probably why my music is genuine but has often been downgraded for not being crazy and absurd enough. If you want me to regurgitate a piece written by some 20th Century composer, you can forget it because it is not going to happen. That is not what I do and that is not "my" thing. I have lost too much of my past self and therefore I refuse to keep erasing my genuine self in order to accommodate the syllabus that we are given in music education. I used to really enjoy music and learning about it..then I did Music GCSE and A-Level with the most demotivating teacher possible. His first words to me at A-Level music were "You're not a Grade 5 in anything so I'm not going to expect very much from you." Thank you for that! If he could see me now, he'd both be shocked and laugh. Shocked because I made it this far and laugh because I am now in emotional hell and falling apart at the seams. Most people who said I would never get far in life would probably have a similar reaction to where I am now. I have achieved more than I thought I would and yet at the same time, I feel more unemployable than if I had gone off to work after completing my BA in Music Performance. I sometimes wonder if life is really worth all this grade grabbing tripe but then it appears to be the "done" thing and I have turned into a sheep in that respect so I suppose I better continue for the moment but I swear that one day, I will be leading the way with a new therapy exclusively designed to help people suffering from depression and similar mental health issues. I want to be there for the musicians like me, the ones who are not thought of as valuable enough in universities because they have their own thing going on and know what they are doing. The students who construct their own identity based on their life experiences and who believe that when you create art, it is a form of communication with the outer world and that some people will completely understand your creation while others will have their head cocked to one side looking at the artwork quizzically. That is who I want to be the patron saint of. I don't know what you call those students but they're not lazy or stupid. I will add now: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS BEING TOO CREATIVE!
I'm currently writing this while listening to an old playlist I saved to Spotify years ago and I'm singing along and typing what I'm singing so I think, I might try and sing a bit and leave this for the moment. Thank you for reading and I'll be back...at some point.
Panthera T.
