Random writings and thoughts following them

Looking through the numerous bits of paper that I have accumulated over the four years I spent in York, I found some interesting reflections I wrote while we were on the Weekend Away in the Yorkshire Dales (Swaledale) at the start of our MA. I remember it was the last day and we’d been told that we could go wherever we wanted, so I decided to go for a walk along one of the roads we had walked on previously; I wanted to see what it would be like to walk along a familiar path alone...and sure enough, I stopped after a short while because there were too many thoughts in my head. It was raining/drizzling rain and the wind was visibly blowing along the hill to my right. Finding a rock to sit on, I got out my notebook rather than my camera and decided to write out what I saw and thought instead of taking a photo (as I had done on so many other occasions). Here is what I wrote:

“The mist has a place to be...It’s heading in the same direction as me. Are we tied by destiny? It’s running along that huge hill I nearly broke my ankle trying to get down from yesterday. Christ, I’m aching all over.

I saw the river, I wanted to walk next to it but I’d have to go through a field...No. I’ve disturbed enough already, I disturbed everything yesterday – walking, breathing, taking from you what was not mine to take.

Is the mist going home? Where is home for the wind? What does the river consider as home? P. Diddy’s right, it’s time to make my house my home.

I’ve disturbed so much already; my mere existence has disturbed lives. Those of my biological parents, my real parents, friends, classmates, teachers... everybody. All I’ve ever done is disturb.

I guess once I find the place I belong in I can finally call home. I know it’s here in England but where exactly? Norwich? York?

I promise that if you show me where home is, I’ll stop disturbing everything. Damn! I keep killing things!

Stick to the road, I won’t go wrong. Stick to the road, I won’t disturb. It’ll be like my walking was just a whisper on the wind. Just a rumour you all heard. Like I’d never existed. That’s a thought...If I packed my bags and left, would they notice? If I suddenly ran to another country would anyone notice? It would be like I never existed, I’d make it so. Would he notice? The one who shredded my heart with lies for a dagger?  I’m so naive it’s unreal! How could I have been so stupid as to think it would work? The bastard showed me reality and I didn’t like it. So why do I whimper and cry inside when my surroundings remind me of him?

Christ, I’ve got the hills in front of me, mist rolling over them beautifully, the river behind me providing material for composition number 402 and all I can think about is the one thing that I miss from my life day in, day out.

Tell you what might work, I’ll lick him down good so he can’t get up. Hand to face contact always sorted things before, it’ll sort it now. Faces are always priceless when people get the wrong understanding of that. To translate into plain language, I. Will. Smack. Him. Down.

Being as naive as I am, I’ve just found a really beautiful spot. Maybe others wouldn’t find it like I did but it was just a place where I was most drawn to the trees. I think they have a story to them but I’m not in tune enough yet to understand. Although, saying that, I could feel them breath. The river was close, closer t the bridge, the water was unsettled, upset, aggressive, just a bit further down, the water was much calmer. The river reminded me of myself. At times, I am calm or playful, sometimes perfectly peaceful; and then just like that, I can become aggressive, unsettled, upset by the slightest thing. I somehow don’t think it’ll do a whole lot as far as composing goes but I got some sound and film recordings just in case.”

Swaledale on the first day when we arrived

Swaledale when I was writing my thoughts

It would appear that the entry I wrote after that is when we were back in York and I was either having my lunch break or at Costa doing some thinking. Yes, I have just mentioned Costa, but it’s one of my favourite places to go and think or read in. Saying that though, I’m typing all of this in one of the cafes in my new university in Leeds, I will tell you more about it in another post.

So anyway, here is what I wrote, there’s no date...for some reason, it would appear that I have forgotten how to date all my work...or maybe it feels pretentious and generic to the point where I simply don’t do it...I’m not sure...but here’s what I wrote:

“My Aims

My aim as a composer is to neatly mix very popular music with my composition styles. I want to feel comfortable around my peers. I want to compose music which you can play in clubs, but which also speak at least some truth about me.

            My compositions reflect me and bare parts of my soul which I can’t seem to put “out there” in general speech.  Please for the love of God and Goddess do Not pick me up on my definition of general speech.

I want to not have shame in showing my compositions to other musicians. I want to not feel shame just because I like R’n’B, Hip Hop and Pop (etc). When broadcasting my music, I want there to be a visual element in the form of a music video. I want my music videos to reflect the compositions, so if the music is about dancing at the weekend and the music is reflected in the video, so fucking be it. I don’t want pretentious twats listening to my music to criticise it so I will clearly state what kind of music it is, just so they can avoid it.

My compositions are a documentation of my life and life experiences. I want to be more frank and honest in my lyrics, none of this painting a metaphorical picture crap, if the format is predictable, then fine, better you can focus on the emotions of a piece rather than on what format it takes. If ever my songs are up for analysis, do not focus on how simple they are but how honest they might be. Don’t get me wrong, I love detail and how clever some artists can be but I hate beating about the bush when I have something to say. I am sick of being underestimated just because of my liking for pop music.”

Looking back at this bit of writing, I would say I had just been laughed at...again. It seems to be funny if you admit to listening to chart toppers, popular music, Hip Hop, R’n’B and the likes. I’m not entirely sure why because they are just as valid, if not more so, than some of the so called “classics” that one studies at “academic level”. To a certain degree, I am inclined to believe that the popular music which hits the charts reflects the society we live in and our musical preference. We should also value popular music and the other genres of music that I have mentioned because they offer an insight to what people are experiencing. Lyrics from artists such as Eminem, Adel, Rihanna and, yes, Nicki Minaj are more genuine than some of the tripe you hear in the music hailed by “academics”. Why? Because they are contributing members of society who are affected by present issues and who also have their own demons. Eminem has been reflecting on his life in his lyrics for years, opening up and allowing us to hear his side of the story and access the parts of his life that he exposes through his lyrical content. Adel’s hit ‘Someone Like You’ (2011?) was a huge hit and I suspect that it is because many women have experienced heartbreak like or similar to that which Adel was singing about. Rihanna, to me, is some kind of superwoman who has shown a lot of strength in the face of horrible things...such as domestic violence. Although, it must be noted, that in an interview with Oprah Winfrey (who’s shows I always loved and still do) Rihanna went into tears while talking about the whole situation with Chris Brown, demonstrating somewhat known emotions of ‘defence’ towards her former partner. At the time, when Brown smashed Rihanna’s face in, any fan of Rihanna was very much hateful of the male rapper and I suppose they had every right. Rihanna, on the other hand, seemed to feel that although he had committed such an atrocity, she was all he had in the situation as everybody else was happily “burning” him. I am saying all of this very vaguely, I’m not a journalist and I’m not intending on going into detail but what I’m trying to get at here, is that all of this is current. I personally admire Nicki Minaj for numerous reasons but some are that she is proud of her ancestry.  She also acknowledges her background and her progress, for me, this is important because if you’re not proud of your background, how are you ever going to tell someone where you’re from? Some people are critical of Minaj’s voices, alter-egos per say, but she did go to acting school and I thiiink she even got some qualifications and in an age where people get bored easily, why not spruce things up with the use of different voices which you can do? Haters can hate because they’re boring or can’t do the same..often, they’re intimidated and jealous, so they bully you and put you down. If you spent all your time really listening to these people, the ones who criticise you all the time, you would end up in the corner of a room, afraid to talk to anybody and crying everytime someone asked you for your opinion...which is actually the place I’m trying to pull myself out of at the moment. But, I will return and address that another time. For the moment, I need a pint of something I can handle and some more Dylan Moran.

See you!

Panthera T.