I've been thinking...

For the past couple of days, I have been going through all my old notebooks and note pads, throwing away the bits of rubbish I have written and keeping hold of bits of writing which intrigue me. I seem to have found half of something I was writing about but I cannot, for the life of me, find the first half. So I will show you what I have.

“why complicate life when you can simplify it to everybody’s way of understanding. Life is what you make it and if you complicate your statements because you want to sound like a pretentious, insecure little person, then no wonder your life is complicated! Liberty, something I guess we all crave but don’t express. Habit, something we are creatures of. As humans we like our routines, habits. We build homes for God’s sake! We’re pathetic not superior. We insult each other, thinking we’re really witty, you don’t see other creatures doing that now do you?

Reflecting back on things i something I may do too much of, I know I over analyse situations too much. When you’re trying to be a part of something you’ve so hard for, it’s heartbreaking. Right now, I feel like I’m on a boat, watching everyone else become a part of this course while I’m still alienated. Is it me? Is it what I’m doing? There’s no time like Golden Time Alone but why do I crave solidarity? I wish I was better, more sophisticated, more complicated and more observant but I’m not, and I’m trying so hard to accept that and get on with it but it’s proving much harder than I thought. I put my soul into working for this new course and now that I’m on it, I just want to curl up and die. I want to make it work but that’s not happening. It suddenly feels wrong to be doing this course...like I’m not a musician anymore. “

Something tells me that this was written while I was very confused. The last sentence has become more important than anything else written now. The feelings related to becoming less and less of a musician have been building up over the last two years but more so in the last year than any other time. Saying that though, I composed music, I worked with a great musician and I even hosted and set up my own concert. On the other hand, I really struggled to compose, to find the heart and soul to even begin composing but nothing came to me. There seemed to be little meaning left and trying to create something which included research was even harder than expected. I guess what I was left with was a growing fascination in the psychology involved my composition processes, the reasons for composing and what can happen when expressing oneself is impossible. All of the latter is what I’m working on now and wrote about in my first thesis (well, tried to). I have also noted certain changes which have occurred over the last couple of years; changes concerning my personality, my behaviour, my reaction to others and so on and so forth. It’s all very subjective and reflective, not something terribly academic I’m afraid; on the other hand, it does serve its purposes as it enables me to progress as a person. Granted the progress is slow and somewhat heinous, frustrating those around me as I can seem to cave in on myself however there is hope, I assure you.

You see, there are journeys people need to take when they are at certain parts of their life. The easiest thing one can do is to accept this fact and go on the journey. Such journeys are needed to be taken at a time where there are months of freedom, for example, school holidays and gap years. The reason being that in those times, there is generally little to do and demands to be in places are generally low. One needs time and peaceful mind to journey into the self and to explore the side lesser known even to the person. I have tried to take this journey while dealing with other commitments but I had no luck as worries concerning studies and life in general plagued my mind and interrupted my thoughts and meditation. The journey at this point in my life has yet to be taken as I have postponed this progressive step until I am more quietened within. For others, I suggest the same steps be taken to ensure a quiet and pondering mind. Allow yourself to question your identity, to ponder your past and the lessons learnt from. On the other hand, make sure to go venture into the journey leaving doubt and negativity behind. See it as an endless possibility to discover your potential and to progress as a person.

Another page of writings was found the other day and so I present the following.

“7/10/11 – Friday

-After reading ‘Song of the All-Mother’ and ‘The Paradoxical Goddess’, I realised part of my time spent here will actually be quite spiritual.”

This was written while we were in Swaledale on the MA Weekend Away last year. I had brought some books on Wicca as I had planned to work on my spirituality and started reading the book by Marian Green. Almost instantly, I was immersed in the first few paragraphs and soon become the person who was happy to sit in the corner and read. My notes continue and refer to our first task of creating a sculpture using our environment.

 “-My sculpture represents the 2 poems at the beginning of ‘A Witch Alone’ by Marian Green. I didn’t get to finish it though, so my interpretation is more improvised than what I had been aiming for. Originally, I had hoped to create a fairly round shape made of small round rocks with one big rock in the middle. The smaller rocks were going to be the earth itself and the big rock would represent the heart of it where everything stems from. I was going to write out ‘Song of the All-Mother’ as I feel it rings quite true to nature and life. One can spend their life in a church or monastery searching for God, yet ‘Song of the All-Mother’ portrays the Goddess as being everywhere, which She inevitably is. Green states that “they [The Old Ones] are too great to be contained in four walls.” (p.13) and my accordance with this statement is partially why I have recently turned to Wicca as a spirituality.

- Looking at my sculpture and its meaning from a musical point of view, one could say that at some point, my spirituality will come through my music, as I often link aspects of my personality and self directly back to my music and compositions.  

- In the end, my sculpture contained some of its (original) intended meaning. The circle outline with rounded rocks represents the earth. The smaller inner circle represents land and the rest of the outer circle represents the sky. Both are close and joined show how the Goddess and God come together to rule over the earth. The big rock in the middle shows the core, what I consider, the life force.

this is my sculpture :)

“perhaps we are like stones, our own history and the history of the world are embedded in us.” (a quote we were given by the tutors to reflect on)

-          Like stones, we differ according to our environment, like stones, we differ in types, sizes, shapes, colour et cetera.

-          But do stones really change according to their history? Humans do because we are possible in accordance with our history but are stones physically affected by history?”

 I am beginning to wonder where my brain was taking a holiday. I know I certainly need one!

I’ll check in later, but for now, take care.

Panthera T.