A Day in My Life...At the moment

I suppose now is a weird time to write. I only started taking medication in the summer and even then, there was a long time without them after I moved to Leeds. It's strange though, when you realise how many people you can be and yet there's only one body. For me, there's one body but several minds, I haven't counted them all but that's probably because I can't distinguish between them all yet. I know that they are not part of the same person though, they couldn't be, they are too different in temperament. I can't talk to them either, there is no "me" when decisions are made, only "you" and what "you" have to do. Like I am the third person in my own life. It's strange because, although it's all happening inside my head, I do not seem to be able to get a say in what goes on. Nor do I get addressed. They seem to take on similarities of characters I have been particularly drawn to. There is a bossy character: the leader who decides what is done in end; next there is the ethicist, or the worrier. This character worries about what is right and what should be done. Then, of course, there is a rebel, the one who thinks she doesn't care what goes on and that it really doesn't matter what people think. I have just realised that none of these "characters" seem to have genders but I know it is a mixture. I believe that perhaps the characters who resemble my exterior are most likely to be female, just like myself. Anyhow, on with seeing who else I can distinguish out of the numerous characters within...oh yes, there is the "saint". I call her the saint but she is also a punisher because while she looks out for those whom she loves and cares for, she punishes those who have caused hurt. She also punishes herself for things that she has failed in, failed to do. It is difficult to explain but I know it happens. I only know who these people are and what they do because they are within my head, my mind, my....being. 

When I was on my medication, there was a kind of silence, it was uncomfortable and somewhat disturbing but also somewhat pleasant. The medication was wrong for my but there was still a "positive" impact in that there was silence and I presumably was making decisions for myself. On the other hand, there were negative impacts too. For example, I was completely disorientated, life was more than numb and impeccably boring. There was no spice, no drama, no feeling running through me and it was like the world was a cloud. A cloud that I was being forced to live in and under other people's rules. Trying to explain the latter to anybody was making me go blue in the face as nobody seems to understand that depression is not something easily defined. People get depression for different reasons, under different conditions and they deal with it in different ways. Personally, I blame past events and stress. I could go into detail but that would probably take months and months and post after post, so I will spare you of that and just tell you what happens in my brain. 

For the moment, there is a lot of guilt, exhaustion and sadness, hyperactivity and all sorts. One could say "go to the doctor" to me repeatedly but I tried that and they got it wrong and didn't listen when I said that the medication was wrong. So who do I turn to now? Lecturers are for academic purposes only but they kind of need to know what's going on and why I cannot even carry out the simplest of tasks. My friends are great but I do not wish to burden them. So now what? My counsellor! Of course! She is brilliant, all my counsellors have been and not once have they made me feel inadequate or wrong. Every time I have a session, I come out feeling like something has been achieved, even if all that has happened is that I talk at my poor counsellor for an hour and they just listen. A lot of people reject the idea of going to a counsellor, heck, even I did! For years I refused point blank to get any help or to go to a counsellor but after much persuasion and nudging from close friends, I took a chance and I haven't looked back. Having a sympathetic ear and someone to just generally listen to you is a great thing and it's their job to be there for you so you do not feel like a burden to them. My counsellors have probably been one of the few good things to happen to me in my university experience and I have felt comfortable enough to tell them things that I cannot even tell my best friend. In my mind, going to a counsellor is a good start and it's a first step to take even before going to a doctor because they can be mean and condescending. 

I haven't written music in so very long. I miss it and I miss the emotions that fuel my art. Yes, a lot of them were and are painful but it is my form of "letting off steam". A lot of people let off steam in other ways, like going for a run, getting into a particular sport or other activities but for me, nothing beats sitting down at a piano with some lyrics ready in my head and my favourite chords at my fingers. I've been criticised about my music in many ways: the music always sounds the same, the lyrics are about the same thing, the songs are too long for today's music, I'm too creative...Blah blah! Believe it or not, I was told I was being too creative while doing my MA in Music Composition! I write because I have something to say. If the words seem to be repetitive, then that is because I feel that nobody is listening to me and I will stand there and happily sing about the same thing until someone turns around and tries to address the subject with me...just like a child. Then again, I believe there is a younger version of us that never really goes away, we just forget about them. Some of my music has been written within the space of a day while other pieces have taken months to write and I have often gone over old songs and changed them or borrowed lyrics from them in order to write something "new". I don't think "new" really exists in music, especially if you are writing from the heart and soul. Which is what I do and that's probably why my music is genuine but has often been downgraded for not being crazy and absurd enough. If you want me to regurgitate a piece written by some 20th Century composer, you can forget it because it is not going to happen. That is not what I do and that is not "my" thing. I have lost too much of my past self and therefore I refuse to keep erasing my genuine self in order to accommodate the syllabus that we are given in music education. I used to really enjoy music and learning about it..then I did Music GCSE and A-Level with the most demotivating teacher possible. His first words to me at A-Level music were "You're not a Grade 5 in anything so I'm not going to expect very much from you." Thank you for that! If he could see me now, he'd both be shocked and laugh. Shocked because I made it this far and laugh because I am now in emotional hell and falling apart at the seams. Most people who said I would never get far in life would probably have a similar reaction to where I am now. I have achieved more than I thought I would and yet at the same time, I feel more unemployable than if I had gone off to work after completing my BA in Music Performance. I sometimes wonder if life is really worth all this grade grabbing tripe but then it appears to be the "done" thing and I have turned into a sheep in that respect so I suppose I better continue for the moment but I swear that one day, I will be leading the way with a new therapy exclusively designed to help people suffering from depression and similar mental health issues. I want to be there for the musicians like me, the ones who are not thought of as valuable enough in universities because they have their own thing going on and know what they are doing. The students who construct their own identity based on their life experiences and who believe that when you create art, it is a form of communication with the outer world and that some people will completely understand your creation while others will have their head cocked to one side looking at the artwork quizzically. That is who I want to be the patron saint of. I don't know what you call those students but they're not lazy or stupid. I will add now: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS BEING TOO CREATIVE!

I'm currently writing this while listening to an old playlist I saved to Spotify years ago and I'm singing along and typing what I'm singing so I think, I might try and sing a bit and leave this for the moment. Thank you for reading and I'll be back...at some point. 

Panthera T. 

Who was Sin Cera?

I must admit that there are days where I don’t think about starting another band and it would appear that those days are becoming more and more frequent. You see, I came across One Republic again the other night while trying to make notes on an article and I took a break from note-making to listen to “All the Right Moves” by One Republic which I once covered with my band Sin Cera back in our second year of university. At the time of performance, I forgot half the words due to general stage fear (not fright) but soldiered on..and looking back, we weren’t so bad. We collaborated rather well considering we had very different music listening tastes; I loved my popular, chart topping music whereas the majority of the group preferred alternative and rock music. Nonetheless, we worked it out and I would like to think that we produced a good sound. The name ‘Sin Cera’ first appealed to me after the two words were repeated several time in the Dan Brown book ‘Digital Fortress’. In the book, he explains the meaning of the term “sin cera” which means without wax. I won’t go into the whole explanation but basically, I wanted the name to represent an ensemble who performed music which we were good at and specialised in and all sorts...I’m beginning to wonder if I should have used another name and kept such a good name for a later ensemble...oh well...carry on!

Our first ever concert was in the YSJ Tuesday Lunchtime Concerts took place in the Chapel from 12:30-13:00 (and which I believe are still going). I presented the group to everyone in the space we had specifically set up and then I think we proceeded to play ‘Apologise’ by One Republic. I believe we did a couple more covers but I can’t remember exactly, which is a pity really because it was our first concert but then again, I don’t think it’s uncommon to prepare for something for ages only for the event to pass in the space of 8minutes.

In any case, we performed, we were given feedback and I came across one of the pages of feedback which we received from the tutors...here’s what it said:

“Good ensemble feel. I like this song but can’t hear all the words: you could work for greater clarity. Slight mix-up in guitars – and remember to tune together – you’re not quite there! I like this song’s key change and structure; could you make more of the ending? I’d like to hear you exploring the possibilities of the electronic kit rather more. Second song rather too similar, feel, key, tempo etc. Nevertheless an enjoyable performance.”

That is what I can read, the handwriting is almost impossible to decipher. Nonetheless, I take it that there are more positive points than negative ones which made me question the reasons for the band falling apart. I don’t like to dwell on that point however because I have moved on and collaborated some more with great musicians and it has all been just as rewarding. I have played at the Summer Ball in YSJ two years in a row (in the acoustic tent, where I like it), I have performed at several Open Mic Nights and even hosted and performed in my own concert, all the while collaborating with one or more musicians; honestly it has been amazing and brilliant.

To them move into a new city with new class mates, new everything...well my collaboration balance with life is not existent right now to say the least. I am working on that though...first I need to find a potential repertoire which includes some original music and then I need to find myself a guitarist J It shouldn’t be hard but I seem to have grown a shell to which I am too attached. All the same, that doesn’t mean there isn’t some kind of creative streak within looking to collaborate with someone likeable and to perform in open mic nights and gigs and so forth.

Something important that I noticed in the last year was that being sociable with the person you are working with can be a good thing in that it can inspire both of you to write a new song or piece and it also strengthens the bond between both musicians. This, I find, is important because if you meet up purely to work together, rehearsals can be rigid and if you don’t have everything organised down to the last music stand, the members of your band can become irritated with you...now being sociable outside of rehearsals doesn’t mean you can get away with being somewhat disorganised, but it does allow for a more amicable response from you band mates. I also think it’s important to figure out what kind of collaboration it is that you can deal with. For example, it was all very well having 5-6 people in my band Sin Cera at some point but there were times where I simply could not contain the entire rehearsal in an orderly manner. What I mean is that because there were quite a few of us, people would talk over one another, other people would play their instruments when not supposed to and it could feel a bit hectic and like you were a very tiny mouse in a big noisy jungle.

In my MA year, I created a certain collaboration with a fantastic pianist when I needed someone to play the instrumental part of a piece I wanted to perform in a concert. From there, the rehearsals were frequent and we began rehearsing together and building a decent repertoire which we performed in Open Mic nights down in the student’s union and then later in a couple more concerts (I think). The main factor that held our collaboration together was that we became good friends and had a mutual understanding of what we wanted to get out of the collaboration. I found it was also easier to communicate with the other member of the collaboration because it was just him and so attention was easy to focus and it was fairly easy to simply get on with the rehearsal rather than postponing the main element of rehearsal with chatting and trying to get silence in the room. We started writing songs together and actually have one song which needs finishing, which hopefully, we can do one day soon.

In an alternative world where my dreams come true, I have a new band in which we all get along and rehearse on a weekly basis. In this world, we have several potential gigs coming up and a really good repertoire and we have been rehearsing for a long time and are completely ready to perform... in this world, we are already working on original material to perform in open mic nights and all that sort of thing.

The reality of the situation is that I’m still trying to work on my people skills and to pluck up the courage to contact musicians about a possible collaboration. I’m also in the middle of writing another song on guitar with vocals which is taking a bit of time because it’s based on some very vivid dreams I’ve had. Foolish I know but this is where I take my inspiration from, lest my dreaming in colour with sound go to waste!

Anyway, I beginning to get caught up in music on Youtube, I’m going to love you and leave you and bid you all good night. (It’s 2:08am apparently...HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?)

Take care,

Panthera T.

This is Sin Cera at the Summer Ball of YSJ. 

And this is from 2011 - first concert with JC, performing 'I Fall Too'. 

I've been thinking...

For the past couple of days, I have been going through all my old notebooks and note pads, throwing away the bits of rubbish I have written and keeping hold of bits of writing which intrigue me. I seem to have found half of something I was writing about but I cannot, for the life of me, find the first half. So I will show you what I have.

“why complicate life when you can simplify it to everybody’s way of understanding. Life is what you make it and if you complicate your statements because you want to sound like a pretentious, insecure little person, then no wonder your life is complicated! Liberty, something I guess we all crave but don’t express. Habit, something we are creatures of. As humans we like our routines, habits. We build homes for God’s sake! We’re pathetic not superior. We insult each other, thinking we’re really witty, you don’t see other creatures doing that now do you?

Reflecting back on things i something I may do too much of, I know I over analyse situations too much. When you’re trying to be a part of something you’ve so hard for, it’s heartbreaking. Right now, I feel like I’m on a boat, watching everyone else become a part of this course while I’m still alienated. Is it me? Is it what I’m doing? There’s no time like Golden Time Alone but why do I crave solidarity? I wish I was better, more sophisticated, more complicated and more observant but I’m not, and I’m trying so hard to accept that and get on with it but it’s proving much harder than I thought. I put my soul into working for this new course and now that I’m on it, I just want to curl up and die. I want to make it work but that’s not happening. It suddenly feels wrong to be doing this course...like I’m not a musician anymore. “

Something tells me that this was written while I was very confused. The last sentence has become more important than anything else written now. The feelings related to becoming less and less of a musician have been building up over the last two years but more so in the last year than any other time. Saying that though, I composed music, I worked with a great musician and I even hosted and set up my own concert. On the other hand, I really struggled to compose, to find the heart and soul to even begin composing but nothing came to me. There seemed to be little meaning left and trying to create something which included research was even harder than expected. I guess what I was left with was a growing fascination in the psychology involved my composition processes, the reasons for composing and what can happen when expressing oneself is impossible. All of the latter is what I’m working on now and wrote about in my first thesis (well, tried to). I have also noted certain changes which have occurred over the last couple of years; changes concerning my personality, my behaviour, my reaction to others and so on and so forth. It’s all very subjective and reflective, not something terribly academic I’m afraid; on the other hand, it does serve its purposes as it enables me to progress as a person. Granted the progress is slow and somewhat heinous, frustrating those around me as I can seem to cave in on myself however there is hope, I assure you.

You see, there are journeys people need to take when they are at certain parts of their life. The easiest thing one can do is to accept this fact and go on the journey. Such journeys are needed to be taken at a time where there are months of freedom, for example, school holidays and gap years. The reason being that in those times, there is generally little to do and demands to be in places are generally low. One needs time and peaceful mind to journey into the self and to explore the side lesser known even to the person. I have tried to take this journey while dealing with other commitments but I had no luck as worries concerning studies and life in general plagued my mind and interrupted my thoughts and meditation. The journey at this point in my life has yet to be taken as I have postponed this progressive step until I am more quietened within. For others, I suggest the same steps be taken to ensure a quiet and pondering mind. Allow yourself to question your identity, to ponder your past and the lessons learnt from. On the other hand, make sure to go venture into the journey leaving doubt and negativity behind. See it as an endless possibility to discover your potential and to progress as a person.

Another page of writings was found the other day and so I present the following.

“7/10/11 – Friday

-After reading ‘Song of the All-Mother’ and ‘The Paradoxical Goddess’, I realised part of my time spent here will actually be quite spiritual.”

This was written while we were in Swaledale on the MA Weekend Away last year. I had brought some books on Wicca as I had planned to work on my spirituality and started reading the book by Marian Green. Almost instantly, I was immersed in the first few paragraphs and soon become the person who was happy to sit in the corner and read. My notes continue and refer to our first task of creating a sculpture using our environment.

 “-My sculpture represents the 2 poems at the beginning of ‘A Witch Alone’ by Marian Green. I didn’t get to finish it though, so my interpretation is more improvised than what I had been aiming for. Originally, I had hoped to create a fairly round shape made of small round rocks with one big rock in the middle. The smaller rocks were going to be the earth itself and the big rock would represent the heart of it where everything stems from. I was going to write out ‘Song of the All-Mother’ as I feel it rings quite true to nature and life. One can spend their life in a church or monastery searching for God, yet ‘Song of the All-Mother’ portrays the Goddess as being everywhere, which She inevitably is. Green states that “they [The Old Ones] are too great to be contained in four walls.” (p.13) and my accordance with this statement is partially why I have recently turned to Wicca as a spirituality.

- Looking at my sculpture and its meaning from a musical point of view, one could say that at some point, my spirituality will come through my music, as I often link aspects of my personality and self directly back to my music and compositions.  

- In the end, my sculpture contained some of its (original) intended meaning. The circle outline with rounded rocks represents the earth. The smaller inner circle represents land and the rest of the outer circle represents the sky. Both are close and joined show how the Goddess and God come together to rule over the earth. The big rock in the middle shows the core, what I consider, the life force.

this is my sculpture :)

“perhaps we are like stones, our own history and the history of the world are embedded in us.” (a quote we were given by the tutors to reflect on)

-          Like stones, we differ according to our environment, like stones, we differ in types, sizes, shapes, colour et cetera.

-          But do stones really change according to their history? Humans do because we are possible in accordance with our history but are stones physically affected by history?”

 I am beginning to wonder where my brain was taking a holiday. I know I certainly need one!

I’ll check in later, but for now, take care.

Panthera T. 

Random writings and thoughts following them

Looking through the numerous bits of paper that I have accumulated over the four years I spent in York, I found some interesting reflections I wrote while we were on the Weekend Away in the Yorkshire Dales (Swaledale) at the start of our MA. I remember it was the last day and we’d been told that we could go wherever we wanted, so I decided to go for a walk along one of the roads we had walked on previously; I wanted to see what it would be like to walk along a familiar path alone...and sure enough, I stopped after a short while because there were too many thoughts in my head. It was raining/drizzling rain and the wind was visibly blowing along the hill to my right. Finding a rock to sit on, I got out my notebook rather than my camera and decided to write out what I saw and thought instead of taking a photo (as I had done on so many other occasions). Here is what I wrote:

“The mist has a place to be...It’s heading in the same direction as me. Are we tied by destiny? It’s running along that huge hill I nearly broke my ankle trying to get down from yesterday. Christ, I’m aching all over.

I saw the river, I wanted to walk next to it but I’d have to go through a field...No. I’ve disturbed enough already, I disturbed everything yesterday – walking, breathing, taking from you what was not mine to take.

Is the mist going home? Where is home for the wind? What does the river consider as home? P. Diddy’s right, it’s time to make my house my home.

I’ve disturbed so much already; my mere existence has disturbed lives. Those of my biological parents, my real parents, friends, classmates, teachers... everybody. All I’ve ever done is disturb.

I guess once I find the place I belong in I can finally call home. I know it’s here in England but where exactly? Norwich? York?

I promise that if you show me where home is, I’ll stop disturbing everything. Damn! I keep killing things!

Stick to the road, I won’t go wrong. Stick to the road, I won’t disturb. It’ll be like my walking was just a whisper on the wind. Just a rumour you all heard. Like I’d never existed. That’s a thought...If I packed my bags and left, would they notice? If I suddenly ran to another country would anyone notice? It would be like I never existed, I’d make it so. Would he notice? The one who shredded my heart with lies for a dagger?  I’m so naive it’s unreal! How could I have been so stupid as to think it would work? The bastard showed me reality and I didn’t like it. So why do I whimper and cry inside when my surroundings remind me of him?

Christ, I’ve got the hills in front of me, mist rolling over them beautifully, the river behind me providing material for composition number 402 and all I can think about is the one thing that I miss from my life day in, day out.

Tell you what might work, I’ll lick him down good so he can’t get up. Hand to face contact always sorted things before, it’ll sort it now. Faces are always priceless when people get the wrong understanding of that. To translate into plain language, I. Will. Smack. Him. Down.

Being as naive as I am, I’ve just found a really beautiful spot. Maybe others wouldn’t find it like I did but it was just a place where I was most drawn to the trees. I think they have a story to them but I’m not in tune enough yet to understand. Although, saying that, I could feel them breath. The river was close, closer t the bridge, the water was unsettled, upset, aggressive, just a bit further down, the water was much calmer. The river reminded me of myself. At times, I am calm or playful, sometimes perfectly peaceful; and then just like that, I can become aggressive, unsettled, upset by the slightest thing. I somehow don’t think it’ll do a whole lot as far as composing goes but I got some sound and film recordings just in case.”

Swaledale on the first day when we arrived

Swaledale when I was writing my thoughts

It would appear that the entry I wrote after that is when we were back in York and I was either having my lunch break or at Costa doing some thinking. Yes, I have just mentioned Costa, but it’s one of my favourite places to go and think or read in. Saying that though, I’m typing all of this in one of the cafes in my new university in Leeds, I will tell you more about it in another post.

So anyway, here is what I wrote, there’s no date...for some reason, it would appear that I have forgotten how to date all my work...or maybe it feels pretentious and generic to the point where I simply don’t do it...I’m not sure...but here’s what I wrote:

“My Aims

My aim as a composer is to neatly mix very popular music with my composition styles. I want to feel comfortable around my peers. I want to compose music which you can play in clubs, but which also speak at least some truth about me.

            My compositions reflect me and bare parts of my soul which I can’t seem to put “out there” in general speech.  Please for the love of God and Goddess do Not pick me up on my definition of general speech.

I want to not have shame in showing my compositions to other musicians. I want to not feel shame just because I like R’n’B, Hip Hop and Pop (etc). When broadcasting my music, I want there to be a visual element in the form of a music video. I want my music videos to reflect the compositions, so if the music is about dancing at the weekend and the music is reflected in the video, so fucking be it. I don’t want pretentious twats listening to my music to criticise it so I will clearly state what kind of music it is, just so they can avoid it.

My compositions are a documentation of my life and life experiences. I want to be more frank and honest in my lyrics, none of this painting a metaphorical picture crap, if the format is predictable, then fine, better you can focus on the emotions of a piece rather than on what format it takes. If ever my songs are up for analysis, do not focus on how simple they are but how honest they might be. Don’t get me wrong, I love detail and how clever some artists can be but I hate beating about the bush when I have something to say. I am sick of being underestimated just because of my liking for pop music.”

Looking back at this bit of writing, I would say I had just been laughed at...again. It seems to be funny if you admit to listening to chart toppers, popular music, Hip Hop, R’n’B and the likes. I’m not entirely sure why because they are just as valid, if not more so, than some of the so called “classics” that one studies at “academic level”. To a certain degree, I am inclined to believe that the popular music which hits the charts reflects the society we live in and our musical preference. We should also value popular music and the other genres of music that I have mentioned because they offer an insight to what people are experiencing. Lyrics from artists such as Eminem, Adel, Rihanna and, yes, Nicki Minaj are more genuine than some of the tripe you hear in the music hailed by “academics”. Why? Because they are contributing members of society who are affected by present issues and who also have their own demons. Eminem has been reflecting on his life in his lyrics for years, opening up and allowing us to hear his side of the story and access the parts of his life that he exposes through his lyrical content. Adel’s hit ‘Someone Like You’ (2011?) was a huge hit and I suspect that it is because many women have experienced heartbreak like or similar to that which Adel was singing about. Rihanna, to me, is some kind of superwoman who has shown a lot of strength in the face of horrible things...such as domestic violence. Although, it must be noted, that in an interview with Oprah Winfrey (who’s shows I always loved and still do) Rihanna went into tears while talking about the whole situation with Chris Brown, demonstrating somewhat known emotions of ‘defence’ towards her former partner. At the time, when Brown smashed Rihanna’s face in, any fan of Rihanna was very much hateful of the male rapper and I suppose they had every right. Rihanna, on the other hand, seemed to feel that although he had committed such an atrocity, she was all he had in the situation as everybody else was happily “burning” him. I am saying all of this very vaguely, I’m not a journalist and I’m not intending on going into detail but what I’m trying to get at here, is that all of this is current. I personally admire Nicki Minaj for numerous reasons but some are that she is proud of her ancestry.  She also acknowledges her background and her progress, for me, this is important because if you’re not proud of your background, how are you ever going to tell someone where you’re from? Some people are critical of Minaj’s voices, alter-egos per say, but she did go to acting school and I thiiink she even got some qualifications and in an age where people get bored easily, why not spruce things up with the use of different voices which you can do? Haters can hate because they’re boring or can’t do the same..often, they’re intimidated and jealous, so they bully you and put you down. If you spent all your time really listening to these people, the ones who criticise you all the time, you would end up in the corner of a room, afraid to talk to anybody and crying everytime someone asked you for your opinion...which is actually the place I’m trying to pull myself out of at the moment. But, I will return and address that another time. For the moment, I need a pint of something I can handle and some more Dylan Moran.

See you!

Panthera T.

But Why?

I have been asked "why are you doing creating these alter-egos?" on many occasions and in some cases, the words "who do you think you are? You're no different to any of us." follow..or something like them anyway.

Either way, I have my reasons as does anybody else who creates an alter-ego or 3 for themselves. You see, there are numerous implications for doing such a thing; it can be that you don't want to be fully exposed to your audience so you create an alter-ego to hide behind, there is also the idea that it is a defense mechanism...that is one of my main reasons for creating my alter-egos...but you can also make use of alter-egos if you wish to be one step removed from your creations. Now, I don't mean 'be uncaring, cold and unemotional' about what you have created, it is a way of taking what people say about your creations with half a pinch of salt and at times, if appropriate, into consideration. 

I believe that sometimes, when we create a piece of art or music that is close to our heart, we don't necessarily want everyone to comment on it and sometimes, useful advice can be thrown away with the mindset that your work is perfect because you created it. It is important, however, to be able to stand back and see what it is that people are saying and to perhaps consider what good you can extract from such advice and how you can use it to your advantage...one of my better moments was when I reflected on the idea that I was silencing myself too much in my music. For me, it was the one place I didn't have trouble expressing myself but I took circumstance too much into consideration and so I would end up changing lyrics to better suit my main audience. Nonetheless, it has come to my attention that I can create what I want so long as I disseminate my work in the right places. 

I'm thinking too hard again and none of this has made much sens -__- more later.

To Begin...and a bit more

Welcome,

Here you will find a series of posts based on different thoughts concerned with music, life and identity and difference. I will also examine the psychological implications of having an alter-ego and what it means (psychologically) to "split" oneself into different characters. I will attempt to log my progress as I embark on a journey to create a solo album and I will probably be blunt, wondering and somewhat general in parts of my posts. It is important that this be read at some point as it will also tell you not only how I work as a person but also why. My main focus for the moment is something that has been playing on my mind for quite some time now and that is the idea of having an alter-ego or two....or indeed three.

As a singer, songwriter and general composer, I started creating a few alter-egos for myself. Over the last few months, however, it has become apparent that said characters need to be revised and in the process, I dismissed one of them. At the time, my only alter-ego, Kitty D., was faltering and I could feel little distinction between her and my general self..the self that other people know of me. "Why must you split yourself into different characters?" you might ask; well there are different reasons...many different reasons. My first is that it is a coping mechanism...it helps me cope with the nerves I feel before I show others my work, it helps me to cope with an upcoming performance, with public speaking. Over the last 4 years, I have become a very quiet character and don't appear to have many thoughts or opinions on various subjects, nonetheless, there is  an entire globe of thoughts, opinions, questions, fascinations and interests bubbling inside me. Similar to the ways in which humanity and the world works, there is death of ideals, interests and thoughts and there are internal wars occurring between my beliefs and what I know. The idea of creating an alter-ego or 3 appealed to me in that it opened up an opportunity for me to not only figure out exactly who I am but also to demonstrate the right side of myself to the right people. I am fully aware that it is important to present oneself properly to the outside world and that image is judged within the first few seconds of first meeting someone. 

Kitty D. was supposed to portray a darker side of me, the part of me that can snap at people, that can be upset for much longer than I let on...but Kitty D. was created hastily and only lasted a short while as she began to melt back into the original me. I then decided it was time to put her in a coffin and lay her to rest, so to speak. After much thought and handing in many assignments where my music appeared to contain more than one aspect of my personality, I realised that it was time to create someone else...someone who had stronger characteristics than Kitty D. and so Panthera Tigris was born. I created Panthera Tigris, basing her on various similarities that I saw between myself and tigers; characteristics such as loyalty, being territorial, ferocity, strength and adventure are characteristics that I see in tigers but also recognise in myself. I am in the process of ensuring that Panthera can be seen in the music through lyrics, attitude within the music and in some cases, the style the music has been created. Where Kitty D. is related more to acoustic music, softer sounding lyrics and a more subdued attitude, Panthera Tigris dwells in the world of electronically created sounds, direct opinions and sometimes carries an angry attitude towards various people, subjects and events.
I will later get into the nitty gritty details of how I work but for the moment, I feel I am done introducing. Any questions, ask and I will attempt to answer them.

Panthera Tigris =^[.]^=